The Hogwarts Prophet
by HarmonyMarguerite
Summary: A groups of students, who's identities shall remain nameless, have gathered together to create a newspaper. Here are some of their writings. Some illusions to slash
1. Introduction

Title: The Hogwarts Prophet  
  
Author: HarmonyMarguerite  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Pairing: None, unless you look very closely, and there are illusions to HP/SS. But you have to look closely and have a big imagination.  
  
Summary: The students of Hogwarts have put together a newspaper. These are a few of the articles that stick in people's memory.  
  
NOTE: This is my own little universe. Completely forget the books, kinda. This is just some fun I'm having with the characters, and I hope that you people enjoy it too.  
  
Disclaimer: It all belongs to JKR, yadda. I do not own, am not making money. If I was, would I be worried about next years tuition?  
  
Dear Readers,  
  
What is following in the next few pages is the offerings of the 6th year Hogwarts class. (AKA, the year of Potter)  
  
A few students, in a few different houses, have gotten together and created a newspaper. They report on the incidents at Hogwarts, as they see it, and a paper comes out every two weeks for the students and teachers to read.  
  
No one knows the identity of the writers, and if it ever comes out, it may be the least likely group of people you ever thought of.  
  
Enjoy, dearest reader, the first ever accumulation of the best of: The Hogwarts Prophet. 


	2. Oliver Troubles, Writer

The Hogwarts Prophet  
  
September 1995  
  
1995-1996 year Issue 1  
  
Well, well. I bet none of you were expecting to see us this year, were you? I see the surprise on your faces as you read this. Welcome to the new year of: The Hogwarts Prophet.  
  
Starring everyone's favorite writers:  
  
Amos Quito  
  
Ivanna Kyss  
  
Professor Adam Balm  
  
Oliver Troubles  
  
With Features like:  
  
New Articles  
  
Virgin Alert  
  
Teacher Flubs  
  
School News (?)  
  
Must Have Gossip!  
  
Don't miss a single issue, beginning with this wondrous offering! Wonderful, isn't it?  
  
We begin the biographies of this years writers in no particular order. Calm down everyone, there are enough issues for all of you!  
  
This issues special article is a teacher biography from Professor Severus Snape! How exciting!  
  
Pen Name: Oliver Troubles  
  
Age: 2... Alright, 2 1/2  
  
Sex: Female... Male... what's in a gender?  
  
Offspring: Wouldn't you like to know... Wait, wouldn't I like to know...  
  
Place of Origin: My Mother  
  
Greatest Love: Pizza  
  
Hair Color: Slytherin green  
  
Eye Color: Slytherin Silver  
  
Fav. Color: Gryffindor Gold  
  
Fav. Food: Slytherins... I mean, lamb chops. (Wait, same thing. Yummy, sacrificial lamb.)  
  
Fav. Book: "There's an infinite number of monkeys outside who want to talk to us about this script for Hamlet they've worked out."  
  
Fav. Movie: "How's that for an old guy?" "Pretty old."  
  
Fav. Song: "Turn your face away from the garish light of day..."  
  
Hobbies: Laughing at misfortune in the world... usually my own.  
  
Worst subject: Care of Magical Creatures  
  
Best Subject: Potions (The Professor likes meeeeee!!!)  
  
Fav. Subject: Charms  
  
One wish: World peace. I have a really bad headache.  
  
Quote: "If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back... Hunt it down and kill it." 


	3. The DADA Professor's Secret, Article

New DADA Teacher may be Witch  
  
New teacher does suspicious things in spare time.  
  
By Oliver Troubles  
  
THIRD FLOOR- There has been something suspicious about all of our Defense Against the Dark Arts Professors, so all students have been on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop with the seemingly ordinary Professor Dravers. Fresh in out minds are our past teachers- one was a Dark Lord supporter, and had said Dark Lord living on him like the parasitic creature the Dark Lord is. One, a ninny who knew nothing about DADA. The next was a werewolf, whom there was nothing wrong with except on a full moon. Another was a Dark Lord supporter, who manipulated a certain classmate (Potter) to bring Him back and kill Potter. The most recent being an obsessive Fudge supporter who tried to brainwash the school and discredit earlier said classmate. We really should know better by now and just hate everyone who has a problem with Potter. Or who is overly obsessive with him.  
  
Finally, this reporter thinks he may have found Professor Draver's dark secret that makes her like all the other DADA professors we've had. I have reason to believe that she's a witch!  
  
I know, it seems impossible, but it is true! Magic exists in Professor Draver's hands.  
  
First, she carries a stick around with her everywhere. I believe it's called a wand. This stick is what allows her to cast evil spells like Wingardium Leviosa.  
  
Second, she has been seen at the edges of the Forbidden Forest, gathering plants and herbs. A few times, she's grabbed animals. These plants she probably uses in a liquid mixture known as a potion. The animals she brings to class, declaring them to be "animals we must be wary of. These animals can suck your magic away from you."  
  
I believe she's enchanting these animals with her evil powers, and using them to suck out our life energy! Everyone knows we have no magic! Soon, she'll have enough of our lives to continue with her evil plan!  
  
I'm not quite sure what that is yet... I'll get back to you on that.  
  
Potter, I'm imploring you, do what you have done to most of our other teachers! Work your charms, and rid us of this evil creature! Do what you must, I'm behind you! See? Here I am, right behind you, one thousand yard or so... 


	4. Ivana Kyss, Writer

Name: Ivana Kyss

Age: A lady never tells.

Sex: How dare you ask?

Offspring: Why yes! 7: Peter, Peeter, Pumpkin, Eater, Hadda, Wife, and Kudden't Keeper.

Place of Origin: West of the sun, East of the moon...

Greatest Love: I can't tell you, it's a big secret! (This big: I I)

Hair Color: Pink

Eye Color: Devistating blue

Fav. Color: All the colors in the world!

Fav. Food: Seduce me with a steak.

Fav. Book: "And the rest, after a sudden wet thud, was silence."

Fav. Movie: "There is nothing like God on Earth as a General on the battlefield."

Fav. Song: "Don't try to fix me I'm not broken."

Hobbies: Gossiping... Wait, no... 'Talking' with friends.

Worst Subject: Care of Magical Creatures.

Best Subject: Herbology

Fav. Subject: Divination.

One Wish: For people to realize we have to stick together. Especially now.

Quote: "Never trust a man who keeps a handkerchief in his loincloth."


	5. The Candy Shortage, Article

**Candy Shortage Strikes Hogwarts**

**Empty bellies becoming large problem.**

**Ivanna Kyss**

GRYFFINDOR COMMONS- A scream echoed through the air. All heads turn to Virginia Weasley. She began to sob, pointing at the hamper where the candy is usually stored.

"I don't believe it!" She cried. "I've never seen anything so horrendous. It's... empty!!!"

Soon, other students joined her sobbing as they realized the truth- there is no more candy.

Over in the Hufflepuff commons, a horrified Justin Finch-Fletchly discovered the same thing. "I need this fix." He gasped, on his way to the kitchens. "I haven't had a piece of candy in an hour. I'm desperate!"

Other desperate students from the Gryffindor and Slytherin houses injured themselves to take advantage of the candy the hospital wing provided.

"I have never seen such a disaster." Declared Madam Pomprey, the school nurse.

"I'm really desperate for this candy." One Slytherin boy explained. "It's my life, this chocolate. Plus, you get pampered up here, and you don't have to go to classes."

He then sighed in bliss as he bit into a chocolate frog.

Headmaster Dumbledore was unavailable for comment. He was to busy eating his lemon drops. The lucky, lucky man.

It's two days before anyone can get to Hogsmeade. I only hope we survive until then.


	6. Professor Adam Balm, Writer

Name: Professor Adam Balm

Age: 48

Sex: Male oriented

Offspring: I'm not going there... still stuck in a lawsuit.

Place of origin: Well, there's this swamp, you see...

Greatest Love: "You're a pretty pillow, aren't you! You're just too cute!"

Hair Color: Purple

Eye Color: Purple

Favorite Color: Not purple

Fav. Food: Purple people. (They annoy me...)

Fav. Book: "It is their pleasure to open for you, and their satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well done."

Fav. Movie: "He started it!" "I don't care who started it, I'm gonna finish it!"

Fav. Song: "Why are entire years strewn on the cutting room floor of memory, when single frames from one magic night forever flicker in close-up on the 3D Imax of my mind?"

Hobbies: Reading, and annoying teachers.

Worst Subject: Astronomy.

Best Subject: Defense Against the Dark Arts.

Fav. Subject: Transfiguration

One Wish: That school would be more fun. I WANT A PERMANENT WEEKEND!!!

Quote: "Roses are red, violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, revenge is too."


	7. The Slytherin Common Rooms, Article

**Slytherin Common Room to be Redecorated.**

"**Green and Silver are so yesterday."**

**Professor Adam Balm**

SLYTHERIN COMMONS- It seems that the Slytherin colors of green and silver are grating on the nerves of a few Slytherins. A meeting was held last week in the common room to discuss the possibility of redecoration in other, more cheering colors.

"Green and silver are so yesterday," Commented one supporter of the change. "We've been here so long, and the color just starts to drive you slowly insane. I think that's why Slytherins are thought to be evil. They're driven that way by their common room. I mean, I love green and silver, don't get me wrong, and I wouldn't change the fact that they're my house colors, but I just need a change. Know what I mean? Everything is so dull down here; we could use a little brightening."

"A change would lift everyone's spirits." Another supporter added. "Put some life and warmth into these rooms. Make it feel more like home, and not some stuffy manor. Hopefully, that will put a dent in the belief that all Slytherins are all cold bastards."

"Besides," The unnamed person added under their breath. "That's just Professor Snape and Malfoy. The rest of us are just cool."

"These common rooms have been decorated this way since Salazar created these rooms." Countered one opposer. "It is our duty as Slytherins to uphold tradition."

"It's tradition that got us a shitty reputation." The second supporter, who is very vocal about their opinions, countered the counterer.

"Our reputation has nothing to do with the common room colors!" The opposer fired back.

The debate raged for three hours. Not much was settled, except the fact that pink was not to be in the equation. Can you imagine pink Slytherins? Not like half the house isn't already gay, but still...

"Oh Merlin." Professor Snape moaned when he was asked to comment by the two sides. He then downed four glasses of brandy in three seconds, much to the amazement and amusement of Potter. "Piss off." Here's where Potter fell off his bed, laughing. "I don't give a damn what you do anymore. It's not MY common room. I don't have to live there, thank the Gods. You're all driving me to drink."

We must remember not to let Professor Snape have alcohol after pain medication. He becomes frighteningly human.

Another meeting is set for next week. Perhaps this meeting will get tempers up so high as to force a redecoration.


	8. Amos Quito, Writer

(Professor Snape has decided that since Amos commented on his answers, he can comment on his. We didn't argue. It's Professor Snape, people! Would you?) formatting: _Professor Snape's comments_

Name: Amos Quito. _Humor exists amongst the masses. Be still my heart._

Age: 27... Thousand. _::Pokes with a stick and watches Amos turn to dust.:: That was the most fun I've had in years._

Sex: Yes please. With HIM... drools _Somehow, I don't think this is what they meant..._

Offspring: Can you imagine more of ME running around? _It's a little difficult too when we DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE!_

Place of Origin: The lost city of Atlantis... yes, that's it. Really. _Too bad you didn't drown with it._

Greatest Love: Do I even have to answer? HIM... _That's the second time you've mentioned this man... Or do you mean the Swedish Rock Group?_

Hair Color: Blond, platinum. You can see me in the dark... _::closes eyes::_

Eye Color: Blue. (I'm just an airhead... tee hee!) _Merlin save me! ::turns on fan and watches Amos float away::_

Fav. Color: Would you kill me if I said black? HE wears it all the time... sigh _I find I am growing curious about this man you are... obsessing over. I want to give him a nice hotline number where he can run away to._

Fav. Food: Chocolate. That counts, right? _Counts calories? Yes. Fat? Yes. As real food? Entirely debatable._

Fav. Book: "This was because reason was out to lunch." _Question: Why did all of you choose the same book? Hitchhiker is funny, but... Don't you read anything else?... Sorry, forgot who I was talking to... That's a no._

Fav. Movie: "Sex is a joke in Heaven?" "The way I understand it, it's pretty much a joke down here too." (And did anyone else notice that Alan Rickman is a muggle version of Professor Snape? Though Alan is much cuter.) _He is not a version of me, and I am so much cuter... I can't believe I just said that._

Fav. Song: "She called out a warning, warning 'Don't ever let life pass you by.'" _Is this a hint, Mr. Quito?_

Hobbies: Staring at Him... Oh. You mean real hobbies. I don't have any. ... _You don't want to know what I'm thinking, and for once in my life I'll be nice and not say it. Mark it on your calendar. It won't happen again._

Worst Subject: History of Magic. _Stop falling asleep and it's not so bad... Oh, who the fuck am I kidding. Drop it and run for your life._

Best Subject: Defense Against the Dark Arts. _Really? ::sneaks a look at other Professor's grade book.:: huh..._

Fav. Subject: Potions. sigh because he is in that class. _I'm beginning to have an idea, and it's scaring me. If you need me, I'll be hiding under my bed. NO! Don't come after me! ::Beats Amos away with a stick. A sharp one.::_

One wish: That people would just lighten up and SMILE! It won't kill you, for Merlin's sake. (Listen up Professor Snape; this is a plea to you!) _::A small corner of his mouth twitches, his face cracks and he falls over dead.:: Shows what you know._

Quote: "Sex without the spanking, will someone explain that to me? That's like... coffee without the caffeine." _I'm not going to say anything... must... resist... Argh... Would it be worse or better than sex without the handcuffs? curls up in a corner and waits for death._


	9. The Potions Accident, Article

**Potions Incident Injures 6**

**Rest of class in need of dry cleaning.**

**Amos Quito**

WEDNESDAY- Potions started normally for the Gryffindor/Slytherin 6th years. Students were carefully brewing under the frightening... I mean, watchful eye of Professor Snape when an explosion at the front of the room shattered the tranquility.

For the fifteenth time this year, Neville Longbottom's cauldron exploded. However, this explosion had devastating results on many students' pocketbooks.

"It was horrible!" Pansy Parkinson cried, covered in the salmon colored potion. "I heard this boom, and saw a bright flash of light. When my vision cleared, there was this goop everywhere! Professor Snape was on the ground, not moving, and my poor Drakkie was bleeding."

"I was hit by cauldron pieces." Draco Malfoy explained the blood to rescuers. "That was the worst explosion yet. If I get scars, I'm suing Longbottom. To be sure, he's getting my dry cleaning bill. Those stains will probably never come out of my favorite robes. This is all very depressing for me, so you'll excuse me while I annoy Potter. It'll make me feel better."

Help came in the form of Millicient Baulstrode and Lavender Brown, both of whom were in the back of the class, thus managing to avoid the goop.

"We knew we had to get Madam Pomprey right away." Lavender said excitedly. "We ran out of the classroom, and were tearing through the halls like mad. We ran into Professor McGonagal, so I accompanied her back to the classroom while Millie went to the hospital wing."

Longbottom and his partner, Gregory Goyle, received the most injuries, as befitting the one who caused it. Also on the casualty list are Malfoy, Professor Snape, Blaize Zabini and Harry Potter. The rest of the class, with the exception of Baulstrode and Brown, were doused with the mysterious goop, I mean, potion, whose side effects are not yet known. So if the whole class turns blue tomorrow, we'll know the cause.

"If that imbecile comes to my class again," Professor Snape yelled at Professor McGonagal from his hospital bed. "I will kill him myself! Slowly and painfully."

If Snape had said 'Voldemort has nothing on me,' I wouldn't have been surprised.

"I refuse to teach him and put my life in danger anymore!"

Professor Snape, you must understand, is suffering the most. His bed is between Malfoy and Potter, who are currently giving each other the silent treatment. While you may think that this was a good thing, they carry on their rivalry by passing insulting notes to each other through Professor Snape. This seems to annoy him for some reason...

Longbottom is still unconscious, and unavailable for comment.

By the way, the potion was meant to be a simple headache drought. Oh the irony... How Longbottom managed to mangle that, no one will ever know. Though it would be funny to see Snape do the experimenting.


	10. Professor Severus Snape, Article

New! Teacher Biographies! _Comments by Amos Quito_ because he really has a death wish.

Name: Professor Severus Nathaniel Snape. _Ohh... I LIKE the name Nathaniel._

Age: ... Do you honestly think I'll tell you? _::ducks flying serpents and knives.::_

Sex: Male, you twit. _Hadn't noticed Professor, thanks for clearing that one up for us. Maybe if you didn't wear those awful huge robes..._

Offspring: As if I'd want any brats like the lot of you idiots. _::blinks large eyes:: Don't you Lurve us, Professor? We lurve you!_

Place of Origin: Sussex, actually. _Ah, the noble resting place of Sherlock Holmes. ::Pictures Snape in an Inverness and blinks.:: Well then..._

Greatest Love: There is a beautiful young boy full of light and goodness who is forever lost to a monster like me. _honestly, I can't comment on this and feel good about myself in the morning._

Hair Color: Black. _Because grease isn't really a color... Herbal Essences baby._

Eye Color: Black. Can't you open your own eyes and tell? _I try not to stare deeply into my teachers eyes, Professor. They have a nasty habit of assigning me detention when I do. Or maybe that's just you?.. On second though, It's just you._

Subject: Potions. Or do you not pay enough attention in class to know that obvious fact?_ I didn't come up with this questionnaire, baby... Talk to Oliver, the genius._

Fav. Color: ... Emerald Green. Stop thinking about it. _I'm not! Okay, I was... But I won't comment. Happy?_

Fav. Food: Dutch letters. Not that any of you know what they are. _Actually, they're one of my fav. Holiday foods. Also known as Almond Sticks. Almond paste is yummyness. Uh huh!_

Fav. Book: "Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." _Snape read The Catcher in the Rye? There is something slightly disturbing at this fact. We have the same literature taste? I think I'll go hide now..._

Fav. Movie: "Why didn't someone tell me my ass was this big!" _::blinks.:: Something deeply disturbing about this too... "Only one man would dare give me the raspberry... ::deep voice:: Lonestar..."_

Fav. Song: "I used to be a little boy, so old in my shoes. What I chose is my voice." _And what a voice too... ::hums:: "The killer in me is the killer in you." This is really getting frightening. Stop it Professor. Apparently, we're alike, and it's scaring me._

Hobbies: Scaring idiotic children and giving Potter detentions. _::sighs:: I knew he couldn't be THAT bad in potions. No, Snape has a grudge. Poor boy_

One Wish: That some of what I've tried to teach you children will sink into your thick little heads, and you'll actually make it out there in the real world. _hmmm... Well, Potter's still ticking, something must be working. Don't give up, Snape, You may have a winner yet!_

Quote: "Everyone has a dark side. It's those who hide it you should fear the most." Got that Potter? _Ummm... A. Eeep! B. So you and he should be really close, right? Runs far away before anyone can realize the implications of that statement_


End file.
